The Good One by Jennifer Sivec

Author:Jennifer Sivec
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Soul Sister Press, LLC

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I tried my best to remember what it was like to be a little girl, but there are gaps and blank spaces in my memory and I don't remember as much as I feel that I should.

I remember my childhood like unfocused photographs, with only splashes of color and vividness. Some of those are good, like Molly braiding my hair and tucking me in at night. I remember mint chocolate chip ice cream and my fifth birthday cake that was chocolate. It's the only birthday I could remember at all because it was the only birthday I’d ever gotten a new doll and I had loved it.

I only remembered a few of things that were good, the bad memories clinging to me like a heavy thick fog. As I looked down at baby Ben, I tried to imagine and remember how my mother was like with me. I had practiced blocking out most things from my childhood, but the overwhelming love I had for Ben was overshadowed by an uncontrollable question about my own childhood.

The first two months of motherhood were the hardest, delving into the unknown. I realized I had every reason to be afraid of the things I'd feared. I didn't know what I was doing, and I was unsure about everything.

Allison's assistance and advice, while helpful in some ways, only proved to make me feel smaller. She talked to me as though I was an idiot, her tone implying that I was incompetent and clueless as a mother. This was how she treated most people, and I tried not to take it personally, but there were moments when I couldn't take it any longer.

Danny tried to soothe me but part of me understood that she was trying to make me feel stupid. I’d never regained her trust after the wedding fiasco with Lou. As hard as I tried, she refused to let me completely in. I was still an outsider to her, even though we’d begun having children.

Ben was the perfect baby and I knew that I was lucky. I had heard stories of colicky, fussy babies but he was not one of them. While I didn't know what to do about his rashes and dry skin, these things seemed small in comparison to what they could've been. And though I felt lost often, I felt sheer joy that was completely foreign to me. He gave me an unexpected happiness that could surprise me every day. I was amazed at how I could sit for hours, every breath and coo he did, opening up a whole new world for me. He had unlocked a universe that I never knew existed, and I felt myself falling in love with this baby more and more every day.

I couldn't imagine not loving him. I couldn't imagine walking away or yelling at him or hurting him in anyway. I wondered desperately how Lou and my mother could have been so heartless.

As my love for Ben grew, so did an unexpected darkness in my heart.

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